For vegans and pre-vegans it’s never too early to start worrying about Thanksgiving. We’ve had about three and half months to recover from the last Thanksgiving, so now it’s time to start anticipating the next one and maybe even preparing for it.

It’s only natural to try and think of great zingers in response to stuff like this:

“Anyone who won’t eat turkey on Thanksgiving is a traitor to this country and this family.”

Then you want to say: If you eat animals and their secretions, you’re a traitor to the planet and a traitor to all future generations

“Your grandmother and I have been cooking since four this morning, the LEAST you could do, is eat turkey.”

Then you want to say: Four in the morning? I know; it takes a long time to cook a turkey corpse to make sure it’s not infected with e coli, campylobacter or salmonella. You don’t want to make anyone sick. Did you know salmonella can actually kill small children?

“I only put a little bit of milk and butter in the mashed potatoes – does that count?”

Then you want to say: Milk and butter OK? That depends on how much pus is in it – you see, most dairy cows have mastitis which is an infection of the udders. Pus oozes out along with the milk. I don’t think it’s a health threat, just unpleasant to think about.

“Did you consult with the doctor before you started doing this?”

Then you want to say: No, I didn’t consult a doctor. Why would I ask a drug dealer about health and nutrition?

“Depriving your unborn child of protein is criminal.”

Then you want to say: Giving animal flesh or secretions to anyone’s unborn or born child is criminal.

“What’s wrong with eggs?”

Then you want to say: How much time do you have?

“You always were a very picky eater.”

Then you want to say: How do you know that?

Where do you get your Omega 3’s?

Then you want to say: Where do you get your fiber?

“Is THIS what they’re teaching you in college?”

Then you want to say: I don’t go to college. I work for PETA.

As you’ve probably guessed, none of these so-called zingers work worth a damn. Well, they do work if you’re aiming to piss people off, embarrass them or cause them to thoroughly dislike both you and every other vegan they might meet. They also don’t work if you’re trying to end the factory farm system and help animals. They don’t work if you’re trying to help save the environment or if you’re trying to convince your loved ones to eat more healthily.

(more on Thanksgiving next week!)

Peas and love,

Leslie

— A Vicious Vegan blog post —